On a happier note!

Here are some pictures from the big day!

So Now What?

Wow. So much has happened I don't even know where to begin. It has been many months of decisions and hard work, and more decisions. Awhile ago my plan was to move to Boston after graduation and get residency so I could go to grad school out there. I made plans, found a week to visit Boston and look around, I started requesting information from the schools that I wanted to go to, and then... Things kind of fell apart. All the sudden going to Boston stressed me out to the point that I would start crying every time I thought about it, planning for grad school made me so sick that I wanted to throw up and so I stopped planning. I put off Boston, decided that grad school wasn't going to happen and calm settled for a little while. But calm is not something that lasts very long in my life. A friend from work got accepted into her grad program at a school in Boston, things at work starting going crazy, and school started the downward spiral that takes place at the end of every semester. Again, I started to doubt. I didn't have a plan for after graduation, I had a job, yes, but I also had this overbearing feeling that I absolutely HAD to get out of Utah. I just didn't know where to go or how to get there. Rather than think about it, I pushed everything aside and focused on getting through the last few huge projects of my Bachelor's degree. After many panic filled days, emotional break downs, and desperate calculations, I finished a life changing paper. For my Intro to Counselling I had to write a paper that dictated how I would do therapy and use an already existing theory to support it. By the time I was done writing it I had had a strong realization that I am not supposed to be a therapist. I became so disillusions with therapy and everything that I decided that I just couldn't do it. So I realized that my whole plan for life was gone. Everything I thought I wanted to do, had slowly been checked off my list. Suddenly, I had no plan. And I started to freak out. Again. Then a position opened up at work that I thought would solve my need for a plan. It would pay better, I'd be working more, I'd have more of an influence and could do more for the girls I work with. So, I applied. And then I graduated. And then I didn't get the job. So I'm sitting at work, and I'm reading my friend's blog and slowly sinking into a realization that I'm 23 years old, not married, not dating, I have a bachelor's degree in a completely useless area, I'm still living at home and again the panic sets in. Everyone around me is making huge changes in their lives and I couldn't be happier for them. But I also am feeling a little left out. Desperately I start trying to plan, and everything I come up with requires something that I don't have. Whether it be more work experience, more money or connections. As I'm freaking out, I'm surrounded with girls who need me. Need me to focus on them and not fall apart and all I can think about is how much I need to get out of here. How much I just want to get up and run away. How much I want to talk to my friend who just finished her journey through the same confusion that I'm experiencing but I'm also beating myself up for all of it. Feeling like I should have more faith in the journey, in God and his plan for me. Feeling that I should be happier for my friend rather than wanting to run to her office and cry about how confused I'm am. Feeling that I should just chill out because I'm only 23 and I just graduated not even a week ago. I've made huge steps in my life the last week. I've finally accomplished something that I've been working towards my whole life. And its been great. I've accomplished something huge and I feel it. I'm very proud of myself. But with great accomplishment, comes a great void. I've accomplished this huge goal. And now its gone. And now what? I'm sorry this was a long list of me complaining. A list of things that I'm freaking out about and a compilation of all the areas I feel inadequate in. I was hoping that through writing this all out I would feel better. That I would be struck with some lightening bolt of inspiration or have an epiphany. But I still feel lost. I still feel like I want to run away. I still feel stuck. But I also know that I'll figure it out. I may spend a lot of time crying and panicking, but I'll get it. And when I do, it will be great.