Friday, May 4, 2012
Thursday, May 3, 2012
So Now What?
Wow. So much has happened I don't even know where to begin. It has been many months of decisions and hard work, and more decisions. Awhile ago my plan was to move to Boston after graduation and get residency so I could go to grad school out there. I made plans, found a week to visit Boston and look around, I started requesting information from the schools that I wanted to go to, and then... Things kind of fell apart. All the sudden going to Boston stressed me out to the point that I would start crying every time I thought about it, planning for grad school made me so sick that I wanted to throw up and so I stopped planning. I put off Boston, decided that grad school wasn't going to happen and calm settled for a little while.
But calm is not something that lasts very long in my life. A friend from work got accepted into her grad program at a school in Boston, things at work starting going crazy, and school started the downward spiral that takes place at the end of every semester. Again, I started to doubt. I didn't have a plan for after graduation, I had a job, yes, but I also had this overbearing feeling that I absolutely HAD to get out of Utah. I just didn't know where to go or how to get there. Rather than think about it, I pushed everything aside and focused on getting through the last few huge projects of my Bachelor's degree.
After many panic filled days, emotional break downs, and desperate calculations, I finished a life changing paper. For my Intro to Counselling I had to write a paper that dictated how I would do therapy and use an already existing theory to support it. By the time I was done writing it I had had a strong realization that I am not supposed to be a therapist. I became so disillusions with therapy and everything that I decided that I just couldn't do it. So I realized that my whole plan for life was gone. Everything I thought I wanted to do, had slowly been checked off my list. Suddenly, I had no plan. And I started to freak out. Again.
Then a position opened up at work that I thought would solve my need for a plan. It would pay better, I'd be working more, I'd have more of an influence and could do more for the girls I work with. So, I applied. And then I graduated. And then I didn't get the job.
So I'm sitting at work, and I'm reading my friend's blog and slowly sinking into a realization that I'm 23 years old, not married, not dating, I have a bachelor's degree in a completely useless area, I'm still living at home and again the panic sets in. Everyone around me is making huge changes in their lives and I couldn't be happier for them. But I also am feeling a little left out. Desperately I start trying to plan, and everything I come up with requires something that I don't have. Whether it be more work experience, more money or connections.
As I'm freaking out, I'm surrounded with girls who need me. Need me to focus on them and not fall apart and all I can think about is how much I need to get out of here. How much I just want to get up and run away. How much I want to talk to my friend who just finished her journey through the same confusion that I'm experiencing but I'm also beating myself up for all of it. Feeling like I should have more faith in the journey, in God and his plan for me. Feeling that I should be happier for my friend rather than wanting to run to her office and cry about how confused I'm am. Feeling that I should just chill out because I'm only 23 and I just graduated not even a week ago.
I've made huge steps in my life the last week. I've finally accomplished something that I've been working towards my whole life. And its been great. I've accomplished something huge and I feel it. I'm very proud of myself. But with great accomplishment, comes a great void. I've accomplished this huge goal. And now its gone. And now what?
I'm sorry this was a long list of me complaining. A list of things that I'm freaking out about and a compilation of all the areas I feel inadequate in. I was hoping that through writing this all out I would feel better. That I would be struck with some lightening bolt of inspiration or have an epiphany. But I still feel lost. I still feel like I want to run away. I still feel stuck. But I also know that I'll figure it out. I may spend a lot of time crying and panicking, but I'll get it. And when I do, it will be great.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Basketball, Philosophy and Pinterest
I've been spending a lot of time with these three things lately and it has caused a lot of interesting thoughts.
Basketball:
Re-entering the world of Jr. High has been entertaining and help touch base with my inner nerd (not that I really needed to do that). I love sitting at my brothers' basketball games and just watching the silly jr. high kids think they are so cool. But it has been fascinating how fast they start to bug me. And wonderful they think they are. For instance, tonight. I went to game that was tough. It was the first game our j.v. has lost all season and they lost by one point. It was bad. There was a group of girls sitting next to us for the next game (the varsity game) that were so disrespectful and outright rude, it took everything in me not to tell them to shut up. I don't normally get heated about sports, but tonight... I did. But there are a lot things that I have learned going to these games and the school we play at.
1. teenagers are stupid. but when adults get around they act stupid too.
2. acting stupid never works out the way you planned.
3. being the better person, doesn't mean you are going to win, it just means you'll still feel okay about yourself when you don't.
Philosophy:
I'm taking an intro to counseling class right now and it was been a very rough class. Meaning, my head hurts every day after class is over. I've had to really think about life and how I live it now, and how I plan to preach it when I finally become a therapist. Its actually made realize... That I don't really want to be a therapist. I know. I graduate in April and I'm just figuring this out. Actually, I've known for along time, I've always known that my really goal in life is to be a mom. And weirdly, this class, and all my psych classes really, are going to help me when I finally get to step into the role. I've really had to think about way I believe the things that I believe and I've had to put those reasons on paper, which if you've ever tried it, its REALLY hard. But its helped me really cement my beliefs in my mind, even if I don't cement it very well in my teachers. Hopefully I will be able to do it for my children.
Pinterest:
How does this connect to everything that I have mentioned so far? It doesn't really. I've just learned a lot of really cool things on it and I love it. Someday I'll have the time to do all the things Pinterest teaches me. And the people to do it for.
My life is changing really fast lately. Big decisions are being made and worked on. School is coming to an end and I'm having to learn how to be motivated even when I don't want to be. I'm learning to really tough it out right now and learning to appreciate the really little things in life. My biggest goal right now is just to get out of bed in the morning, and I'm doing pretty good at that so the rest is just falling in line behind. I know big things are going to happen soon and I have a feeling they're going to be great.
Basketball:
Re-entering the world of Jr. High has been entertaining and help touch base with my inner nerd (not that I really needed to do that). I love sitting at my brothers' basketball games and just watching the silly jr. high kids think they are so cool. But it has been fascinating how fast they start to bug me. And wonderful they think they are. For instance, tonight. I went to game that was tough. It was the first game our j.v. has lost all season and they lost by one point. It was bad. There was a group of girls sitting next to us for the next game (the varsity game) that were so disrespectful and outright rude, it took everything in me not to tell them to shut up. I don't normally get heated about sports, but tonight... I did. But there are a lot things that I have learned going to these games and the school we play at.
1. teenagers are stupid. but when adults get around they act stupid too.
2. acting stupid never works out the way you planned.
3. being the better person, doesn't mean you are going to win, it just means you'll still feel okay about yourself when you don't.
Philosophy:
I'm taking an intro to counseling class right now and it was been a very rough class. Meaning, my head hurts every day after class is over. I've had to really think about life and how I live it now, and how I plan to preach it when I finally become a therapist. Its actually made realize... That I don't really want to be a therapist. I know. I graduate in April and I'm just figuring this out. Actually, I've known for along time, I've always known that my really goal in life is to be a mom. And weirdly, this class, and all my psych classes really, are going to help me when I finally get to step into the role. I've really had to think about way I believe the things that I believe and I've had to put those reasons on paper, which if you've ever tried it, its REALLY hard. But its helped me really cement my beliefs in my mind, even if I don't cement it very well in my teachers. Hopefully I will be able to do it for my children.
Pinterest:
How does this connect to everything that I have mentioned so far? It doesn't really. I've just learned a lot of really cool things on it and I love it. Someday I'll have the time to do all the things Pinterest teaches me. And the people to do it for.
My life is changing really fast lately. Big decisions are being made and worked on. School is coming to an end and I'm having to learn how to be motivated even when I don't want to be. I'm learning to really tough it out right now and learning to appreciate the really little things in life. My biggest goal right now is just to get out of bed in the morning, and I'm doing pretty good at that so the rest is just falling in line behind. I know big things are going to happen soon and I have a feeling they're going to be great.
Friday, January 6, 2012
Ringing in the New Year
So I just realized that is has been a really long time since I’ve written anything, and the semester starts on Monday (my last one!!) and after that, updating is not my number one priority. So I’m going to do it know, especially since it is a new year.
2012… I was sitting at my mom’s house on New Year’s Eve thinking back on dear ol’ Y2K and laughing at how panicked everyone was. I was 12 and I remember sitting in our front room watching the ball drop on TV, holding my breath, waiting to see if the world with blow up. Or whatever. I don’t really know what we all expected it to be like. But the memory of it made me laugh. And now 12 years later so much has changed. New Year’s is not on my list of favorite holidays. I would much rather be in bed at midnight than awake making tons of noise. This year I had to work at six the next morning so I went to bed around 10 and was followed down the stairs with a chorus and teenage boys singing the “Party Pooper” song that my darling mother just HAD to teach them…. But it was pretty funny.
I finished out 2011 by ending my second to last semester of my undergraduate degree, and moving into a condo in Pleasant Grove. Its been quite the year. 2012 will be a monumental year for me. I graduate in April, after 5 long years I will finally have my Bachelor’s degree. I will be taking the GRE this summer and then applying to the Marriage and Family Therapy Master’s program at BYU. And then pray really, really hard that I get in. Grad school is a scary idea. The fact that I’m almost ready to start my actual career is a scary idea. There are still moments that I don’t really believe that I’m old enough to be at this point in my life. And then there are times that I just want to fast forward 5 years and be done with it all.
I wish I could say that I’ve made some real new year’s resolutions. But I haven’t. I’m not very good at them, so I’d rather not set myself up to fail. I have things that I want to improve on, of course. I always have things that I want to improve on, but I don’t write them down or anything of the sort. Mostly I just want to get through this next semester and stay sane. That’s my goal. And then go on a cool trip after I graduate. I’m excited to see what this next brings and ready to just enjoy it.
2012… I was sitting at my mom’s house on New Year’s Eve thinking back on dear ol’ Y2K and laughing at how panicked everyone was. I was 12 and I remember sitting in our front room watching the ball drop on TV, holding my breath, waiting to see if the world with blow up. Or whatever. I don’t really know what we all expected it to be like. But the memory of it made me laugh. And now 12 years later so much has changed. New Year’s is not on my list of favorite holidays. I would much rather be in bed at midnight than awake making tons of noise. This year I had to work at six the next morning so I went to bed around 10 and was followed down the stairs with a chorus and teenage boys singing the “Party Pooper” song that my darling mother just HAD to teach them…. But it was pretty funny.
I finished out 2011 by ending my second to last semester of my undergraduate degree, and moving into a condo in Pleasant Grove. Its been quite the year. 2012 will be a monumental year for me. I graduate in April, after 5 long years I will finally have my Bachelor’s degree. I will be taking the GRE this summer and then applying to the Marriage and Family Therapy Master’s program at BYU. And then pray really, really hard that I get in. Grad school is a scary idea. The fact that I’m almost ready to start my actual career is a scary idea. There are still moments that I don’t really believe that I’m old enough to be at this point in my life. And then there are times that I just want to fast forward 5 years and be done with it all.
I wish I could say that I’ve made some real new year’s resolutions. But I haven’t. I’m not very good at them, so I’d rather not set myself up to fail. I have things that I want to improve on, of course. I always have things that I want to improve on, but I don’t write them down or anything of the sort. Mostly I just want to get through this next semester and stay sane. That’s my goal. And then go on a cool trip after I graduate. I’m excited to see what this next brings and ready to just enjoy it.
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