Disclaimer: For any of those whom are reading this that may possibly have strongly differing views about marriage than I, I suggest you stop now and read no further. For I am very blunt and I don’t want to offend anyone. But these things have been simmering for a long while and must now come out. Understand that this is coming from one whom, though may not be married herself, has seen many marriages fall apart around her and has been greatly affected by it. And, that I am strongly LDS so my views are somewhat influenced by said religion. So, read at your own peril.
I have decided that I need to voice my opinions on the sacred bonds of marriage. As I stated in my disclaimer, my views on marriage have been strongly influenced by the religion that I strongly believe in. But they have been even more strongly influenced by the example of marriage that I have seen in my life. Which are two completely different things. So, while I do not even remotely see myself as a marriage expert, I do have a good idea of what marriage is NOT supposed to be. And what being improperly prepared for said commitment can do to you and those around you. I.e. children, friends, family, every person you ever talk after a divorce… Just to name a few.
I came from a large family. My mother was the 3rd of nine children. All of whom have been married now. Not all are anymore. The two who aren’t are engaged. There are many, many cousins, of whom I am the 4th oldest. I think there are about 40 of us now. I don’t have time to count. Anyway, my family, in short, does not have the best track record when it comes to marriage. Of the nine people in my mom family only…. 3 have not been divorced at least once. My parents had a horrible marriage and divorced when I was 13. An experience that is still reaping havoc on the small thread that holds each person in my family together.
As a child I was just like every other little girl who dreams of getting married everyday. You know, playing Barbies and making them get married and live happily ever after? Yes, well, it is now my opinion that “Happily ever after” does not exist. Why you ask? Why does someone who, still to this day, daydreams about fairy tales and magic, no longer believe in “Happily ever after”? How could this happen, you say? Well, I’ll tell you. Because I have removed my blinders and come to see marriage for what it truly is. Hard work.
Now that I’ve gotten the preliminaries out of the way, let me start with the long narration of my feeling about this sacred commitment. And yes, I do believe it is sacred.
So, to start, shall we discuss dating and engagement? I truly hate the game called dating. I hate the guessing game that is involved. I’m going to admit that I have myself played this game. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t hate it. I think it is absolutely ridiculous that people just can’t be honest. Or stop being so idiotically blind that they think “no” means “yes” and “go away” means “stalk me”. And it’s not just the stereotypical guys that do this, oh no, girls do it to. Believe me. I’ve seen it so much more in the early stages from girls than I have from guys. (I have absolutely terrifying stories about what one girl I was once friends with was willing and did do to keep a guy around.)
But once the awkwardness of the first date is out of the way and a good strong relationship picks up and moves steadily onward, dating can truly be a dream. A real life fairy tale. Doesn’t mean it’s not hard at times. But it can be truly wonderful. Then comes the engagement. Now before I talk about this some what touchy subject, I’m going to take a detour and talk about an even touchier subject: Moving in together.
In my personal opinion, moving in together is a big red flag that says “I’M AFRAID OF COMMITMENT!!!!!” I mean think about it. You’re living together, possibly for years. Maybe even in those oh, I don’t know, 2 or 3 or 5 years of living together, you have a kid. Hello!!!!! The only difference between this and marriage is a freaking piece of paper people! And the fact that when you live together you can wake one morning and say “Hm, well that was fun. I’m done now. I’m moving out. Have a nice life.” Where as with marriage there is the obstacle of the dreaded DIVORCE, just screams “I’m not marrying you because I don’t think it will work so let’s just forget the commitment and move in together.” Marriage is a big step. That level of commitment is scary. Waking up to the same person for the rest of your life, sharing money, credit cards, bank accounts, insurance…. It’s a big deal. But guess what? When you live together, you do the exact same thing! If you go into relationship thinking: “this will only end in tears” (name that movie) or even in a marriage thinking “this is just my started marriage” then that’s EXACTLY what’s going to happen. People are not houses or toys, to be painted and remodeled and played with then thrown away or foreclosed on, they have emotions, feelings, hearts, lungs… They deserve to be treated with the utmost respect. More than house or a new iPhone or whatever. You can’t look at something that has as strong of an effect on the human psyche as marriage or even just a platonic relationship as a “starter” whatever. Because guess what? Its not. If you are thinking that your marriage, friendship, relationship, business endeavor, what the hell ever, isn’t going to work, ITS NOT GOING TO!!! So try instead going into a commitment of any kind thinking: “Ok, this is going to be hard, I’m going to have to work at it if I want it work, but I want it to work. So it’s going to.” I think you’ll be surprised at the amazing results that you get.
All right back to engagement. I’ve heard it said, and said it myself, “I can’t believe they are already engaged! They hardly know each other! And they’re so YOUNG!” But guess what? I think the best marriage that I’ve ever seen is my friend Jordan’s parents’ marriage. And guess how long they dated for? Two weeks. Guess how long they were engaged for? Three months. And guess how old he was when they got married? (I don’t know how old she was) Twenty-one. I think she was like 19 or 20, and granted, they wrote while he was on his mission, but they had never really met before. Her friend was his cousin. And they have possibly the best marriage that I’ve ever seen. And their kids, know it. And want it. Believe me, I know they do. I dated Jordan. Not for very long, but he knew what he wanted his future marriage to be like, he knew how he was going to treat his future wife, and he knew how to treat me. Because of the example he and his two younger brothers have from their parents. So, though I’ve said the before mentioned thought when someone my age announced their engagement, it doesn’t apply to everyone. Some people yes, because I know people who are married who are not yet ready for marriage, I know people who are engaged who need a major maturity boost quickly if they want their marriage to last a year. But then, my good friend, who is a year and one month older than me, and is getting married in a week and a half, she’s ready. Last year, I probably wouldn’t have said that. Actually, I know I wouldn’t have. But now she is. And I know some other people that aren’t married, who could be. Who could get married today and be ready for it. And other’s who still need to wait a few years. Age is relative. So is how long you know someone. Don’t judge. Try to just accept it. Because maturity does not come with age; you’re not automatically ready for marriage at 25 or whatever, you could be ready as young as 18, or not be ready until you’re 50, it all depends on the person/people, and the situation. I would love to be able to finish my Bachelor’s degree before I get married; but, it probably won’t work out that way. If I find the right person, I’m not going to delay it just because I haven’t finished school. That’s stupid, because the right person doesn’t come around everyday. And the line about how if they really love you they’ll wait as long as you want them to, it’s a bunch of crap. Now I’m not really going to touch on the length of the engagement, because that is another one of those things that I think is relative only to the couple and the situation. Though if it gets much longer than year, I think there’s a problem.
Marriage is difficult. Its hard, its work. And it’s not going to work unless you’re BOTH working at it. Not just the wife, or the husband. Once you’re married, you’re a team. And you better start playing that way or you’re never going to make it to the finals. And every member of that team is equal. Someone may have a strength that the other doesn’t, but that doesn’t make them better or superior, because the other person may be able to do something that they can’t. A team takes the strengths and weaknesses of each player and works with it. They help the other players in areas that they can. A husband maybe good at fixing things, while his wife is a good gardener, I don’t know, they can use their strength to help one another and make life easier for each other. Equality. And communication. But everyone knows about how important communication is, so I don’t think I need to state the obvious.
Divorce happens to the best of us. To the best marriages. But like I said before, walk into a marriage thinking that its and inevitable ending, and that’s what you’re going to walk away with. End of story.
So obviously, I have strong views on this union. I didn’t just wake up one day and decide this is how I felt about marriage, I’ve been through a lot to form these opinions, I’ve watched others go through even more. I honestly, really don’t care what other people’s opinions are. They got a different view than I did. And if that’s what’s working for them, Great! But this is how I feel. I know, I’m LDS. So you all think that I’ve been brainwashed into thinking the LDS thoughts. But guess what? About a year ago, even less than that, this was not what I thought about marriage. A year ago, living with someone before you marry them, sounded like a really good idea. Never ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER getting married, sounded like an even better one. But, I’ve changed in the last year. I’ve seen new things, had new experiences. And now, I’ve started becoming the person that I want to be. And that’s how formed my opinions that I’ve stated above. Not because I was born and raised LDS. So there you go. No apologies given.
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