Friday, May 4, 2012
Thursday, May 3, 2012
So Now What?
Wow. So much has happened I don't even know where to begin. It has been many months of decisions and hard work, and more decisions. Awhile ago my plan was to move to Boston after graduation and get residency so I could go to grad school out there. I made plans, found a week to visit Boston and look around, I started requesting information from the schools that I wanted to go to, and then... Things kind of fell apart. All the sudden going to Boston stressed me out to the point that I would start crying every time I thought about it, planning for grad school made me so sick that I wanted to throw up and so I stopped planning. I put off Boston, decided that grad school wasn't going to happen and calm settled for a little while.
But calm is not something that lasts very long in my life. A friend from work got accepted into her grad program at a school in Boston, things at work starting going crazy, and school started the downward spiral that takes place at the end of every semester. Again, I started to doubt. I didn't have a plan for after graduation, I had a job, yes, but I also had this overbearing feeling that I absolutely HAD to get out of Utah. I just didn't know where to go or how to get there. Rather than think about it, I pushed everything aside and focused on getting through the last few huge projects of my Bachelor's degree.
After many panic filled days, emotional break downs, and desperate calculations, I finished a life changing paper. For my Intro to Counselling I had to write a paper that dictated how I would do therapy and use an already existing theory to support it. By the time I was done writing it I had had a strong realization that I am not supposed to be a therapist. I became so disillusions with therapy and everything that I decided that I just couldn't do it. So I realized that my whole plan for life was gone. Everything I thought I wanted to do, had slowly been checked off my list. Suddenly, I had no plan. And I started to freak out. Again.
Then a position opened up at work that I thought would solve my need for a plan. It would pay better, I'd be working more, I'd have more of an influence and could do more for the girls I work with. So, I applied. And then I graduated. And then I didn't get the job.
So I'm sitting at work, and I'm reading my friend's blog and slowly sinking into a realization that I'm 23 years old, not married, not dating, I have a bachelor's degree in a completely useless area, I'm still living at home and again the panic sets in. Everyone around me is making huge changes in their lives and I couldn't be happier for them. But I also am feeling a little left out. Desperately I start trying to plan, and everything I come up with requires something that I don't have. Whether it be more work experience, more money or connections.
As I'm freaking out, I'm surrounded with girls who need me. Need me to focus on them and not fall apart and all I can think about is how much I need to get out of here. How much I just want to get up and run away. How much I want to talk to my friend who just finished her journey through the same confusion that I'm experiencing but I'm also beating myself up for all of it. Feeling like I should have more faith in the journey, in God and his plan for me. Feeling that I should be happier for my friend rather than wanting to run to her office and cry about how confused I'm am. Feeling that I should just chill out because I'm only 23 and I just graduated not even a week ago.
I've made huge steps in my life the last week. I've finally accomplished something that I've been working towards my whole life. And its been great. I've accomplished something huge and I feel it. I'm very proud of myself. But with great accomplishment, comes a great void. I've accomplished this huge goal. And now its gone. And now what?
I'm sorry this was a long list of me complaining. A list of things that I'm freaking out about and a compilation of all the areas I feel inadequate in. I was hoping that through writing this all out I would feel better. That I would be struck with some lightening bolt of inspiration or have an epiphany. But I still feel lost. I still feel like I want to run away. I still feel stuck. But I also know that I'll figure it out. I may spend a lot of time crying and panicking, but I'll get it. And when I do, it will be great.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Basketball, Philosophy and Pinterest
I've been spending a lot of time with these three things lately and it has caused a lot of interesting thoughts.
Basketball:
Re-entering the world of Jr. High has been entertaining and help touch base with my inner nerd (not that I really needed to do that). I love sitting at my brothers' basketball games and just watching the silly jr. high kids think they are so cool. But it has been fascinating how fast they start to bug me. And wonderful they think they are. For instance, tonight. I went to game that was tough. It was the first game our j.v. has lost all season and they lost by one point. It was bad. There was a group of girls sitting next to us for the next game (the varsity game) that were so disrespectful and outright rude, it took everything in me not to tell them to shut up. I don't normally get heated about sports, but tonight... I did. But there are a lot things that I have learned going to these games and the school we play at.
1. teenagers are stupid. but when adults get around they act stupid too.
2. acting stupid never works out the way you planned.
3. being the better person, doesn't mean you are going to win, it just means you'll still feel okay about yourself when you don't.
Philosophy:
I'm taking an intro to counseling class right now and it was been a very rough class. Meaning, my head hurts every day after class is over. I've had to really think about life and how I live it now, and how I plan to preach it when I finally become a therapist. Its actually made realize... That I don't really want to be a therapist. I know. I graduate in April and I'm just figuring this out. Actually, I've known for along time, I've always known that my really goal in life is to be a mom. And weirdly, this class, and all my psych classes really, are going to help me when I finally get to step into the role. I've really had to think about way I believe the things that I believe and I've had to put those reasons on paper, which if you've ever tried it, its REALLY hard. But its helped me really cement my beliefs in my mind, even if I don't cement it very well in my teachers. Hopefully I will be able to do it for my children.
Pinterest:
How does this connect to everything that I have mentioned so far? It doesn't really. I've just learned a lot of really cool things on it and I love it. Someday I'll have the time to do all the things Pinterest teaches me. And the people to do it for.
My life is changing really fast lately. Big decisions are being made and worked on. School is coming to an end and I'm having to learn how to be motivated even when I don't want to be. I'm learning to really tough it out right now and learning to appreciate the really little things in life. My biggest goal right now is just to get out of bed in the morning, and I'm doing pretty good at that so the rest is just falling in line behind. I know big things are going to happen soon and I have a feeling they're going to be great.
Basketball:
Re-entering the world of Jr. High has been entertaining and help touch base with my inner nerd (not that I really needed to do that). I love sitting at my brothers' basketball games and just watching the silly jr. high kids think they are so cool. But it has been fascinating how fast they start to bug me. And wonderful they think they are. For instance, tonight. I went to game that was tough. It was the first game our j.v. has lost all season and they lost by one point. It was bad. There was a group of girls sitting next to us for the next game (the varsity game) that were so disrespectful and outright rude, it took everything in me not to tell them to shut up. I don't normally get heated about sports, but tonight... I did. But there are a lot things that I have learned going to these games and the school we play at.
1. teenagers are stupid. but when adults get around they act stupid too.
2. acting stupid never works out the way you planned.
3. being the better person, doesn't mean you are going to win, it just means you'll still feel okay about yourself when you don't.
Philosophy:
I'm taking an intro to counseling class right now and it was been a very rough class. Meaning, my head hurts every day after class is over. I've had to really think about life and how I live it now, and how I plan to preach it when I finally become a therapist. Its actually made realize... That I don't really want to be a therapist. I know. I graduate in April and I'm just figuring this out. Actually, I've known for along time, I've always known that my really goal in life is to be a mom. And weirdly, this class, and all my psych classes really, are going to help me when I finally get to step into the role. I've really had to think about way I believe the things that I believe and I've had to put those reasons on paper, which if you've ever tried it, its REALLY hard. But its helped me really cement my beliefs in my mind, even if I don't cement it very well in my teachers. Hopefully I will be able to do it for my children.
Pinterest:
How does this connect to everything that I have mentioned so far? It doesn't really. I've just learned a lot of really cool things on it and I love it. Someday I'll have the time to do all the things Pinterest teaches me. And the people to do it for.
My life is changing really fast lately. Big decisions are being made and worked on. School is coming to an end and I'm having to learn how to be motivated even when I don't want to be. I'm learning to really tough it out right now and learning to appreciate the really little things in life. My biggest goal right now is just to get out of bed in the morning, and I'm doing pretty good at that so the rest is just falling in line behind. I know big things are going to happen soon and I have a feeling they're going to be great.
Friday, January 6, 2012
Ringing in the New Year
So I just realized that is has been a really long time since I’ve written anything, and the semester starts on Monday (my last one!!) and after that, updating is not my number one priority. So I’m going to do it know, especially since it is a new year.
2012… I was sitting at my mom’s house on New Year’s Eve thinking back on dear ol’ Y2K and laughing at how panicked everyone was. I was 12 and I remember sitting in our front room watching the ball drop on TV, holding my breath, waiting to see if the world with blow up. Or whatever. I don’t really know what we all expected it to be like. But the memory of it made me laugh. And now 12 years later so much has changed. New Year’s is not on my list of favorite holidays. I would much rather be in bed at midnight than awake making tons of noise. This year I had to work at six the next morning so I went to bed around 10 and was followed down the stairs with a chorus and teenage boys singing the “Party Pooper” song that my darling mother just HAD to teach them…. But it was pretty funny.
I finished out 2011 by ending my second to last semester of my undergraduate degree, and moving into a condo in Pleasant Grove. Its been quite the year. 2012 will be a monumental year for me. I graduate in April, after 5 long years I will finally have my Bachelor’s degree. I will be taking the GRE this summer and then applying to the Marriage and Family Therapy Master’s program at BYU. And then pray really, really hard that I get in. Grad school is a scary idea. The fact that I’m almost ready to start my actual career is a scary idea. There are still moments that I don’t really believe that I’m old enough to be at this point in my life. And then there are times that I just want to fast forward 5 years and be done with it all.
I wish I could say that I’ve made some real new year’s resolutions. But I haven’t. I’m not very good at them, so I’d rather not set myself up to fail. I have things that I want to improve on, of course. I always have things that I want to improve on, but I don’t write them down or anything of the sort. Mostly I just want to get through this next semester and stay sane. That’s my goal. And then go on a cool trip after I graduate. I’m excited to see what this next brings and ready to just enjoy it.
2012… I was sitting at my mom’s house on New Year’s Eve thinking back on dear ol’ Y2K and laughing at how panicked everyone was. I was 12 and I remember sitting in our front room watching the ball drop on TV, holding my breath, waiting to see if the world with blow up. Or whatever. I don’t really know what we all expected it to be like. But the memory of it made me laugh. And now 12 years later so much has changed. New Year’s is not on my list of favorite holidays. I would much rather be in bed at midnight than awake making tons of noise. This year I had to work at six the next morning so I went to bed around 10 and was followed down the stairs with a chorus and teenage boys singing the “Party Pooper” song that my darling mother just HAD to teach them…. But it was pretty funny.
I finished out 2011 by ending my second to last semester of my undergraduate degree, and moving into a condo in Pleasant Grove. Its been quite the year. 2012 will be a monumental year for me. I graduate in April, after 5 long years I will finally have my Bachelor’s degree. I will be taking the GRE this summer and then applying to the Marriage and Family Therapy Master’s program at BYU. And then pray really, really hard that I get in. Grad school is a scary idea. The fact that I’m almost ready to start my actual career is a scary idea. There are still moments that I don’t really believe that I’m old enough to be at this point in my life. And then there are times that I just want to fast forward 5 years and be done with it all.
I wish I could say that I’ve made some real new year’s resolutions. But I haven’t. I’m not very good at them, so I’d rather not set myself up to fail. I have things that I want to improve on, of course. I always have things that I want to improve on, but I don’t write them down or anything of the sort. Mostly I just want to get through this next semester and stay sane. That’s my goal. And then go on a cool trip after I graduate. I’m excited to see what this next brings and ready to just enjoy it.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Life Happens
So, I'm not exactly in the best of moods. I've been strangely depressed the last few days and I'm trying to work my way out of it. I think its just because a lot of things in my life have changed in the last 3 or 4 days and its been hard for me to adjust. So bare with me while I try to make sense of things.
The last while I've been dealing with some internal struggles. And by while I mean the last couple of years. I've reached a point in my life where things can change in a blink of an eye and where the tiniest decision that I make, could completely change my whole path. Its been amazing to me how much I have grown as I've come to realize that, but also how stuck I've become. Change is scary. I think that no matter what people say, no one actually likes change. Even those people who just let life happen, if something in that world changed for them, and made it so they had to start making active choices, they wouldn't like it. For me, I've tried very hard to take an active role in my life. To make sure that I have everything figured out and planned for. When I started college, I started to realize that my plans aren't always what really need to happen. But rather than learn from that realization, I continued to plan for everything that could happen. I would spend way too much time coming up with plans. Plans for every decision that I could make about some situation. I'd make lists and diagrams and goals and I'd do research and basically work myself into a panic and lose it. I thought about everything all the time. And even when I told myself I wasn't thinking, that I was just daydreaming, I was daydreaming about different paths I could take. Yes, normally they were completely ridiculous and unrealistic plans, like moving to London and becoming a fashion designer... But they were dreams nonetheless. And ultimately, they were plans. But they were the worst kind of plans. The kind where I envisioned an absolutely perfect life where I had complete control of everything and everything worked out just the way that it "should". And its amazing to realize how unhappy all that daydreaming has made me.
Its ironic because as I've made these realizations, I have felt like I've gained so much self-confidence and insight into myself. But really? I haven't. I'm not going to say that I haven't gained anything from it, because I have. For sure. But in some ways I was just telling myself what I wanted to hear. And when things didn't work out the way I had convinced myself that they would, I got really down on myself and everything was all the sudden my fault and there was some sort of deficiency that I had to make up for. All the sudden I was too shy. Too avoidant. Too out of touch. Too busy. Too analytic. Too... Whatever. But all the stuff that I've changed over the last few days have made me realize some things that I have actually known all along, but wont let myself be okay with. One: God is going to make us do things that we don't like. And more than likely you wont realize that you won't like them until you're already doing them and there is no way you can stop doing them. Two: God made me who I am for a reason. He gave me my personality, my weaknesses, my insecurities and my strengths for a reason. Whether or not I like those things, doesn't mean I get to change them, or that no matter how much I pray to get help in my sad attempts to change them, its not going to happen the way that I want it to. I have these major insecurities about things that make me WHO I AM and I need to learn to accept them. Now, I'm not saying that these things give me any free passes or excuses to not do things, because they don't. But I also have these things for a reason. And I have some really awesome strengths that also make me who I am, and some how, they all work together. I may not know how now, and I may not ever know how they work together, or how they will work in my benefit, I have ideas... But that doesn't mean that it is what is really going on, or that it is the whole picture.
I wish I didn't have to have these moments of insight every 6 months. And I wish that when I did have them, that they would stick with me longer than they do, or that it meant that some overwhelming and lasting change was taking place. But it doesn't. And though I know these things, I'm still going to struggle with letting go and doing what God has planned for me, rather than what I have planned for me. I'm probably going to continue making plans, and continue being frustrated when they don't work out. But one thing that I know I will change, is that instead of praying constantly to change things that I think I need to change, I will ask instead to know the things that God wants me to change, and ask for help with those things. I will also ask God to help me use the things that he has already given me, even the things that I don't like, to the best they can be used.
So this is what I mean by my title. Life Happens. It does. No force can change that. No plan can affect it. All we can do is go with it. Make what plans we need to make God's plans happen, and less painful. But even then, we don't really have control of it. We just have to remember that God does have a plan. And it is a perfect plan. And He loves us and would never make us do something that wasn't a manifestation of that love. So if you get nothing from this attempt to make myself feel better, at least know that God loves you. And I know that because God loves me. And I'm just as worthy of that love as the next person.
The last while I've been dealing with some internal struggles. And by while I mean the last couple of years. I've reached a point in my life where things can change in a blink of an eye and where the tiniest decision that I make, could completely change my whole path. Its been amazing to me how much I have grown as I've come to realize that, but also how stuck I've become. Change is scary. I think that no matter what people say, no one actually likes change. Even those people who just let life happen, if something in that world changed for them, and made it so they had to start making active choices, they wouldn't like it. For me, I've tried very hard to take an active role in my life. To make sure that I have everything figured out and planned for. When I started college, I started to realize that my plans aren't always what really need to happen. But rather than learn from that realization, I continued to plan for everything that could happen. I would spend way too much time coming up with plans. Plans for every decision that I could make about some situation. I'd make lists and diagrams and goals and I'd do research and basically work myself into a panic and lose it. I thought about everything all the time. And even when I told myself I wasn't thinking, that I was just daydreaming, I was daydreaming about different paths I could take. Yes, normally they were completely ridiculous and unrealistic plans, like moving to London and becoming a fashion designer... But they were dreams nonetheless. And ultimately, they were plans. But they were the worst kind of plans. The kind where I envisioned an absolutely perfect life where I had complete control of everything and everything worked out just the way that it "should". And its amazing to realize how unhappy all that daydreaming has made me.
Its ironic because as I've made these realizations, I have felt like I've gained so much self-confidence and insight into myself. But really? I haven't. I'm not going to say that I haven't gained anything from it, because I have. For sure. But in some ways I was just telling myself what I wanted to hear. And when things didn't work out the way I had convinced myself that they would, I got really down on myself and everything was all the sudden my fault and there was some sort of deficiency that I had to make up for. All the sudden I was too shy. Too avoidant. Too out of touch. Too busy. Too analytic. Too... Whatever. But all the stuff that I've changed over the last few days have made me realize some things that I have actually known all along, but wont let myself be okay with. One: God is going to make us do things that we don't like. And more than likely you wont realize that you won't like them until you're already doing them and there is no way you can stop doing them. Two: God made me who I am for a reason. He gave me my personality, my weaknesses, my insecurities and my strengths for a reason. Whether or not I like those things, doesn't mean I get to change them, or that no matter how much I pray to get help in my sad attempts to change them, its not going to happen the way that I want it to. I have these major insecurities about things that make me WHO I AM and I need to learn to accept them. Now, I'm not saying that these things give me any free passes or excuses to not do things, because they don't. But I also have these things for a reason. And I have some really awesome strengths that also make me who I am, and some how, they all work together. I may not know how now, and I may not ever know how they work together, or how they will work in my benefit, I have ideas... But that doesn't mean that it is what is really going on, or that it is the whole picture.
I wish I didn't have to have these moments of insight every 6 months. And I wish that when I did have them, that they would stick with me longer than they do, or that it meant that some overwhelming and lasting change was taking place. But it doesn't. And though I know these things, I'm still going to struggle with letting go and doing what God has planned for me, rather than what I have planned for me. I'm probably going to continue making plans, and continue being frustrated when they don't work out. But one thing that I know I will change, is that instead of praying constantly to change things that I think I need to change, I will ask instead to know the things that God wants me to change, and ask for help with those things. I will also ask God to help me use the things that he has already given me, even the things that I don't like, to the best they can be used.
So this is what I mean by my title. Life Happens. It does. No force can change that. No plan can affect it. All we can do is go with it. Make what plans we need to make God's plans happen, and less painful. But even then, we don't really have control of it. We just have to remember that God does have a plan. And it is a perfect plan. And He loves us and would never make us do something that wasn't a manifestation of that love. So if you get nothing from this attempt to make myself feel better, at least know that God loves you. And I know that because God loves me. And I'm just as worthy of that love as the next person.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Way Behind
The semester always kicks my butt when it comes to keeping this updated. Mostly the last few months have just been work and school. Its been a lot of stress, my motivation level is below zero and doing much of anything besides making it to class is a massive effort. But I will do this!
My friend just bought a condo that I will be moving into in a month. I helped her move in last night and it made me more excited to move in. I have to buy a bed, which is still weird to me, and expensive... but i'm still excited. Its going to be awesome.
Now I just have to focus on getting through this semester and getting ready for next, while preparing to take the GRE and apply to grad school. I'm banking on getting into BYU, which I probably shouldn't do, but I figure, if I don't get in, then its a sign. So here's hopin'.
My friend just bought a condo that I will be moving into in a month. I helped her move in last night and it made me more excited to move in. I have to buy a bed, which is still weird to me, and expensive... but i'm still excited. Its going to be awesome.
Now I just have to focus on getting through this semester and getting ready for next, while preparing to take the GRE and apply to grad school. I'm banking on getting into BYU, which I probably shouldn't do, but I figure, if I don't get in, then its a sign. So here's hopin'.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Wrap Up
The summer got crazy if you couldnt tell by my sudden drop off of posts. I just started working alot more and spent most days off at 7 peaks.
July... was boring.
August... I went to Cedar City and went to the Shakespeare Festival. I saw Midsummer Summer Night's Dream, Music Man and Noises Off! Plus I went down to Tuachan and saw Little Mermaid. It was awesome! They all were! And the best part was: It was all free!! Yea for having friends who work for USF. Noises Off! was the funniest thing i've ever seen in my life! I laughed so hard that I had an asthma attack! Music Man and Midsummer were awesome, very well done. Shakespeare festival was especially cool this year because friends that I had at SUU are now graduated and working, so many of them were acutally in the plays, it was fun to watch my friends preform for such a prestigious acting company. My friedn actually did the choreography for Music Man, and then was also in the play.
School of course has started and my motivation level is at -15 right now. Senioritis. Thats all I can say. I always complain about being tired and then the semester rolls around and I experience a whole new level of tired. So add work, emotional stress from work, and the fact that it is my senior year... Yeah not going so well. BUT! It is my last year. Come May and school will be a thing of the past, unless I decided to go to grad school. Which right now... I cant even think about it. My brain starts to smoke when I do.
This semester I'm taking: Interpersonal Relationships, Research Methods, Child Abuse, Neglect & Domestic Violence, Human Sexuality and Physiological Psychology. Its going to be quite the semester. Alot of what I'm learning in class, is stuff I already know or already do at work, and its been getting more and more frustrating. I'm hoping that as the semester progresses things will get more indepth and I'll actually have things that come up in class that I dont already know. And not all my classes are that way. Just most of them.
As september starts and life moves on a lot of new things that I've never really had to think about are coming up. As I look for a place to live after I graduate, I have to think about whether or not a want a furnished apartment or unfurnished, and if i have to buy furniture, where am i going to get it, do i want to just buy a twin bed, or do i want to buy a bed that will be big enough after i get married? What am I going to do after i graduate? Will i just work? Am I going to get bored without school in my life? All this crazy stuff that I've never had to think about.
All of this is quite stressful, but I'm looking forward to all the changes, I'm looking forward to seeing how life will turn out.
July... was boring.
August... I went to Cedar City and went to the Shakespeare Festival. I saw Midsummer Summer Night's Dream, Music Man and Noises Off! Plus I went down to Tuachan and saw Little Mermaid. It was awesome! They all were! And the best part was: It was all free!! Yea for having friends who work for USF. Noises Off! was the funniest thing i've ever seen in my life! I laughed so hard that I had an asthma attack! Music Man and Midsummer were awesome, very well done. Shakespeare festival was especially cool this year because friends that I had at SUU are now graduated and working, so many of them were acutally in the plays, it was fun to watch my friends preform for such a prestigious acting company. My friedn actually did the choreography for Music Man, and then was also in the play.
School of course has started and my motivation level is at -15 right now. Senioritis. Thats all I can say. I always complain about being tired and then the semester rolls around and I experience a whole new level of tired. So add work, emotional stress from work, and the fact that it is my senior year... Yeah not going so well. BUT! It is my last year. Come May and school will be a thing of the past, unless I decided to go to grad school. Which right now... I cant even think about it. My brain starts to smoke when I do.
This semester I'm taking: Interpersonal Relationships, Research Methods, Child Abuse, Neglect & Domestic Violence, Human Sexuality and Physiological Psychology. Its going to be quite the semester. Alot of what I'm learning in class, is stuff I already know or already do at work, and its been getting more and more frustrating. I'm hoping that as the semester progresses things will get more indepth and I'll actually have things that come up in class that I dont already know. And not all my classes are that way. Just most of them.
As september starts and life moves on a lot of new things that I've never really had to think about are coming up. As I look for a place to live after I graduate, I have to think about whether or not a want a furnished apartment or unfurnished, and if i have to buy furniture, where am i going to get it, do i want to just buy a twin bed, or do i want to buy a bed that will be big enough after i get married? What am I going to do after i graduate? Will i just work? Am I going to get bored without school in my life? All this crazy stuff that I've never had to think about.
All of this is quite stressful, but I'm looking forward to all the changes, I'm looking forward to seeing how life will turn out.
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